Saturday, 11 August 2007

Excuse Me, I'm Pregnant

There are several things I like about being pregnant: I can wear all those tops that have languished in my drawer, forlornly awaiting the miraculous day I achieve infomercial-worthy weight loss, because suddenly my rotund belly is no longer unsightly, but ‘beautiful’; I can ignore the fact that ‘eating for two’ is a deceptive and outdated concept, to justify eating two jam doughnuts in a sitting; I’m permitted – no, encouraged – to put my feet up instead of slaving for hours over cleaning chemicals and heavy washing baskets; and of course, a sweet little baby will soon pop out of my nicely pre-expanded birth canal.

Pregnancy being what it is, however, I’d be lying if I said there weren’t things I didn’t like about it. Sure, the closest I’ve come to Hollywood-movie morning sickness was my pregnancy-sensitised stomach rebelling violently at the taste of an envelope I’d just licked, or the couple of times my mouth decided my tooth-brushing made it too clean, and therefore ordered my breakfast to make an encore appearance. I’ve never had high blood pressure, swelling, varicose veins or haemorrhoids, or (thank merciful God) a cyst growing on top of a haemorrhoid, a phenomenon I’d never imagined in my most tortured nightmares before some woman gleefully volunteered that particular personal experience in my unwilling hearing. And while I do suffer with daily heartburn, seemingly constant low-grade illnesses from lowered immunity and the normal discomforts associated with foetal cells multiplying rapidly inside one’s uterus, it’s the invisible symptoms that seem to wreak the most havoc.

I’m talking about hormones, those insidious chemicals that have surged through my body like a tsunami of craziness, leaving me awash in aggression, irrationality and paranoia. At least this time I’m prepared for the occasional-to-frequent appearances of Mrs. Hyde, unlike during my first pregnancy when I angrily snubbed my entire bewildered family for two weeks until unburdening myself of exaggerated slights and grievances during a tearful accusatory phone call to my mother from the sick bay at work. Now I’m experienced enough to know that what seem like deliberate attempts by my family and friends to offend and anger me, probably aren’t. However, this realisation does nothing to appease the beast inside, a beast which scoffs at attempted restraint and even the outpourings of a vitriolic blog, instead demanding BLOOD! (or at least lots of swearing and rude hand gestures.)

So it is that I find myself yelling and cursing at other drivers on the road like I haven’t since my callow child-free days (only when the children aren’t in the car with me, of course – what do you think I am, one of those chigger mums whose children’s first word is ‘f***’?). Or I wallow in maudlin contemplation of horrible news stories I normally try to forget for the sake of my own sanity, and weep indulgently at tragedies in movies and books. I harbour resentment against perfectly nice people for causing mild negative effects on my life through no real fault of their own. I find irritants and insults and disdain for my condition in the actions of acquaintances and strangers alike. In short, I’m grumpy, irritable, scowling, bellicose and prone to flash-floods of tears, with none of the self-control a normal functioning adult member of society usually employs.

Yeah, pregnancy hormones. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

22 comments:

jan said...

I saw pregnancy as almost a year of total self-indulgence. I loved it. Sounds like you're on your way.-

River said...

I have to admit that I have absolutely no understanding of what you are going through with your hormones. I had 4 easy, tranquil pregnancies, reulting in 4 easy, happy, no problem babies. I did get the varicose veins though, beginning with baby no.1 and worsening with each baby. Now I spend a lot of time with my feet up to relieve the aching.So when do you expect the new little one?

Lonie Polony said...

Jan - yeah, it's a badly-kept secret I like being pregnant too. So useful for excuses to do/not do whatever you want...

River - My babies so far have been placid enough, I really do try to send good vibes womb-wards even though I feel like a loony off their meds. Next one is due early in the New Year - let's hope we can at least last past Christmas!

mutleythedog said...

I almost daren't post anything you shouted at me last time... I only want to say - it will all pass and it will all be worth it! Hay, now that wasn't irritating was it??

**Runs off giggling**

Lonie Polony said...

I shouted at you, Mutley? Don't remember that. No, that wasn't irritating, but don't even try predicting the gender from the shape of my belly. That is irritating.

Dan said...

Congratulations on being preganant. I think.

Hormones? You mean like those things Barry Bonds took? Cool!

littlesnoring said...

Ah the joy! I also used to blow the occasional gasket whilst preggers. Most notably was letting fly to the help desk guy at work...hmmm still feel a little bad about that one.

Diesel said...

I once had a cyst on a pimple on a hemorrhoid on a plantar's wart on a brain tumor. And then I gave birth to quintuplets.

Congratulations, btw.

Anonymous said...

No excuses for bad behavior Im afraid-A tantrum is still a tantrum!

Jules said...

There is always some anonymous twatt that has to say something they know nothing about.

I have had four bubbas and I cried and hissed and spat fire and loved with passion and hated the world for it's callousness through all of them. It's all part of Mother Nature's way of letting you prepare for the onslaught of birth and the next 18 years of sleepless nights and cracked nipples and the like.

I actually despised my man during each and every pregnancy. His breathing was enough to warrant me lying there thinking of ways to silence him FOREVER!! Lucky he made it really.

Anonymous said...

Were those pregnancies immaculate Jules or did you have help?
Same anon as before

hazelblackberry said...

Bellicose? I thought only gout-stricken, port-soaked old English generals were bellicose. Wow.

Nellie said...

Goodness gracious me, Lonie!! May I offer my congratulations on your pregnancy, and my utmost respect. Girl, you are going to be a busy Mumma soon aren't you? I can scarcely imagine going through another pregnancy at this point, with Miss 2 and Master 15 months running me ragged daily. Oh God, you are amazing (or silly).

Good luck with it all. And keep blaming the hormones for everything - I still do !!!

Lonie Polony said...

Thanks Dan, but I have no idea who Barry Bonds is. Did it end well for him?

Hey littlesnoring - I think everyone feels that way about helpdesk at one time or another, even when not pregnant...

Thanks Diesel, how's the brain tumour? Remember, you're only really in trouble when an egg sac of roaches is added to the mix.

Anonymous - thank you for those brave words of wisdom. I will treasure them as much as I do any unsolicited remarks from complete strangers who have no bearing on my life whatsoever.

Hiya Jules - yeah, good idea to spare the husband, they come in handy sometimes.

Hazelblackberry - I thought you knew of my aspiration to become a boorish, bewhiskered Eton snob?

Hi Nellie - thanks, and good to hear from you! As in everything, I'm more silly than amazing (unless you mean amazingly silly), but shh! don't tell anyone. I'm trying to con everyone into thinking I'm terribly clever and capable.

Anonymous said...

Just because I am not part of your fan club does not mean you have to be sarcastic. Is that how you treat anyone who has a differnt opinion?

River said...

Hey anonymous, I believe you threw out the first sarcasm. Don't give out what you don't want in return.
Sorry Lonie, I realise it's not my place to say this.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't being sarcastic.
The whole post was a self indulgent,teeny rant. It also went on to denegrate those mothers from'Chigwell'with her snobbish remark.
I enjoy this site but sometimes its author who I might remind you is very critical of others who overstep the mark, steps herself into the same territory that she is so indignant about.

Lonie Polony said...

I grow weary of this. I wonder that you care so much what people you obviously don't think much of, think of you, anonymous. I suffer no such affliction.

Hey there River, support is always welcome :)

In other news, I'm told I have a fan club. Go me!

Whitey said...

Just remember - the baby bonus hits the jackpot on 1 July - $5,000.

Spend it wisely.

Maryam in Marrakesh said...

Pregnant! Oh, I so wanted a third baby but I couldn't get that silly husband of mine to agree. Lucky you. And do tell us more.

Lonie Polony said...

Hey Whitey - '07 or '08? Coz if it's next year, I'm afraid I can't possibly cross my legs that long ;)

Hi Maryam - my husband tells me this is it, as far as us and babies are concerned. Time to pull up the graphic vasectomy websites...

Whitey said...

July 08, so back luck then. Just a mere $4,000 odd instead.