Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Post-Holiday Laments

So all that stuff I said a while ago about eating properly and losing weight, you knew that meant after my holiday, right? Because if you were to look at me now, nearly a month later, and hope to see some change for the better, you’d be sorely disappointed.

I make no apologies – there was no way I was going to spend two weeks surrounded by delicious, cheap food one can’t get here, and plentiful five-star resort buffets, only to crunch glumly on celery sticks and rye crispbread. Besides, as I realised with relief (and also a tinge of vicarious shame when I imagined what the staff must think of the rich white tourists) I was hardly the sole, nor the fattest, fatty lounging by the pool.

But the self-declared diet amnesty is not the only thing I miss about my holiday. For six months beforehand my mediocre parenting and housekeeping had me merely coping at home with three small children, daily sinking deeper in despair as the house grew dirtier and the mental list of Things My Children Will Resent Me For grew longer. Then came those fourteen days spent in the glorious tropics instead of frigid and dismal winter, when my biggest worry was fighting off over-eager porky Americans who couldn’t seem to grasp the concept of waiting their turn for hot waffles at breakfast. Even with the difficulties attendant on holidaying with children, it was such a refreshing relief for me.

Now, however, I’ve been rudely thrust back into the cold and the grey of forty degrees too far south, in a one-star house without so much as a personal chef or a maid to wean me off the luxury to which I became so easily accustomed.

If, like some girls I went to school with, you opine that going on a nice holiday makes me guilty of being a ‘rich bitch’, you may be thinking something along the lines of: Aww, jaded by all the extravagance, are we? Spoiled for normal life by an expensive trip beyond the means of many of us? Try not to drown in my river of tears, Rich Bitch! And I could see your point. Even though the holiday was years in the planning and paid for by the bequest from my mother’s mother; even though my annual childcare costs when I return to work could not only pay for the same holiday but fly us first class; even though that was probably the last time I’ll see my other grandmother – my sole remaining grandparent – alive, I see your point.

Still, after a taste of champagne it’s hard to go back to swigging goon, and I can’t help but pine for the trappings of a lifestyle I can only borrow, not keep. O where is my daily housekeeping service? Whither my breakfast spread? Where is my view of the South China Sea? Who will turn down my bed?


Anonymous said...

Go camping and you will be grateful when you get home!!

Lonie Polony said...

Yes, good idea Mutley, except I dont think I can cope with bugs, cold, and bush toilets right now (or ever!)

Rita said...

I'll be in your shoes 2 weeks from now Lonie. Along with Nellie and her sister, Mr Nellie and the 2 junior Nellies, I am going to luxuriate in the splendour of a Port Douglas holiday house which comes complete with every trapping known to man, for 8 days. Anticipating similar treatment to yours, I just know I'll return to the realities of life plotting ways I can find to live that holiday lifestyle till I die!

Whitey said...

I am considering taking Mrs Whitey and the kids for three weeks self catering at Bagdad (not Baghdad) later this year.

A real chance to get away from it all. Just need to sell a few more of the neighbour's gardening tools on ebay.

Lonie Polony said...

Sounds nice, Rita. Enjoy!

Get away from it all is right, Whitey. Is there anything at Bagdad? How about a holiday house-swap with your neighbour instead?

Whitey said...

A bit tricky with the neighbour at the moment. He seems to think I am stealing his gardening tools.

ut si said...

Dear lonie,
Just found your blog...have read your every post...am aching & exhausted from laughter...now have to go back to bed.

Lonie Polony said...

Thank you ut si, it really means a lot to me that people enjoy what I write. I wish I had the time to blog more frequently (I'm not, alas, one of those supermums who can wrangle three children AND blog daily, keep an immaculate house, run a business and negotiate a book deal on the side) but I hope you will drop by again :)

ut si said...

Ahh me, I know...my fourth child & only daughter, sent me an email last week...from downstairs;

"Dear mummy,
How are you?
Are you giving your children enuf atenshun?"

Well, clearly I'm not giving her education enuf atenshun!
I most certainly will drop by again...right after I teach her how to turn on spell check!

Diesel said...

I dispute your claim of not being clever. Well, I mean THIS post wasn't all that clever, but I dispute the statement in general. You even won my caption contest once, didn't you?

Lonie Polony said...

Diesel - I flatter myself that I am of at least average intelligence, but I'm afraid it's the application of intelligence to facilitate understanding, reasoning, extrapolation of ideas, and analysis which lets me down. That and my ditzy persona :)

And many's the time I can't even think of a caption at all, but I'm pleased the occasional fluke might make me seem cleverer or wittier than I am :)