Thursday, 9 November 2006

Slobs Are People Too!

Or: How to be Dignified in Pyjamas When Strangers Knock at Your Door

Tired? Disorganised? Disinclined? So overwhelmed by children and housework you’ve adopted a mental foetal position? Then this self-help guide is for YOU!

Scenario: You glance out the window to see an official-looking caller climbing your front steps. There is no time to tidy the house, put underpants on the toddler or change your pyjamas, although you recall that mainstream society prizes such accomplishments. What do you do? Below is a list of helpful hints, with space for your own annotations.

1) Rail at the unexpected caller for getting you out of bed at this ungodly hour.
Unwise tactic when they’ve sent you a letter, which Mr. Lonie threw out unread, informing you of the day and time of calling. Also, not for use at 5 in the afternoon.

2) Pretend you’re a shiftworker, trying to rest before night shift.
May get you dobbed in to Department of Family and Community Services for letting an infant and toddler roam the house unsupervised.

3) Pretend you’ve been ill in bed.
The heaps of used tissues lying around provide useful corroborative evidence. However, you should remember to answer the door with a huge phlegmy cough and a sneeze, if you can manage it.

4) Pretend your pyjamas are an exotic national dress.
For next time, invent a country whose national dress might conceivably be purple monkey-motif pyjamas. Also need to think of a suitable alias and affect a convincing accent.

5) Pretend your pyjamas are not pyjamas at all, but a leisure suit.
A small chance of success, but must first remember to remove big fluffy purple bed-socks and ugg boots.

6) Hide.
Too late, he’s already seen you.

7) Open the door, grin sheepishly and apologise for the state of your dress and the house.
The nice man from the Bureau of Statistics might just have kids of his own, and understand. Then you can both studiously ignore everything else while you answer his survey questions.

We hope this guide has been helpful in keeping the tattered remnants of your pride together. Look out for our other bestselling titles:

* GRUEL! What to Cook When Your Pantry and Fridge Are Bare
* Olfactory Overdrive: How to Explain the Strange Smells in Your House
* Immune Systems Need Germs to Thrive


Anonymous said...

Hi Lonie
wandered in from whiteys blog.

Personally I like number 3, cos who's nose isn't red without makeup.

(Blokes can't slob out and use it though; any combination of used tissues in a house with a computer would get DFCS around v.quickly)

Anonymous said...

Nice - but wouldn't it be better to always wear a three piece suit at all times of night and day as I do - in case some one important calls round?

Lonie Polony said...

Lol foodkitty and Mutley. Good points. :-)