New Porn Babe!

Roll up, randy gents and raunchy birds! Lenny O. Loopi’s the name, producin’ quality erotica’s the game. I’m fillin’ in for Lonie Polony on this bloggin’ lark while she’s busy wiv a baby clamped to ’er jubblies. I dunno wot she’s on about wiv this cathartic rantings malarky, so instead I’m gonna let you in on the juicy details o’ me latest classy production called Naughty Nurses 3: Push It Good! It’s one o’ me best films yet, ’cos it’s got a little something for everyone, even them wot like a bit o’ the kinky stuff, know wot I mean?

It’s set in a hospital, see, and opens wiv a shot of me brand new star – it’s ’er first movie an’ all – ’oo’s playin’ a patient. She’s stark naked and one o’ the naughty nurses is takin’ ’er to the shower.

“Let me ’elp you get soaped up,” she says, pumpin’ the dispenser and workin’ up a lather. “And then you can give me a shower…a golden shower!”

*Needle scratches on record with a jarring screech*

Sorry about that, people – Lonie Polony here. What my open-shirted, gold-medallioned friend was actually describing, albeit through his porn-tinted glasses, was my latest hospital stay. And jubbly-clamped as I am, I feel it incumbent on me to point out that, despite what a small group of perverted weirdos may think (I’m glaring at you, maiesiophiles), there is absolutely nothing sexually arousing about childbirth.

It’s true I was stark naked and being helped to the shower by a nurse. And she did ask me to wee in the shower, but there was definitely no Bow Chicka Wow Wow about it. For one thing, I’d just squeezed out a nearly 10-pound baby and was consequently too cavernous to provide a satisfying hidey-hole for even the largest salami. For another, I resembled not so much a post-match jelly-wrestler, but someone who’d taken a dip in a vat of meconium and uterine ‘goo’ (as Mr. Lonie scientifically termed it). And I’m sorry to disappoint any urophiles who were hoping for something more exciting, but the wee – which was not forthcoming anyway, my plumbing having suffered secondary traumatisation from witnessing the horrifying assault on my birth canal – was about the happiness of my bladder, not your excitable bits.

My boobs did look the part at one stage, being gigantic enough to rival those on the set of Lenny’s Knockout Knockers 6: Ten Gallon Jugs! But even if bosom-fanciers pretend they were engorged with silicone and not milk, there’s no ignoring the fact that I now look like the ‘before’ shot on the breast-lift segment of Extreme Makeover.

I suppose if you were inclined towards menophilia, you might find my bleeding a turn-on. You know, the kind of bleeding my male readers would probably prefer I’d warned them about before mentioning, so they could go and watch a testosterone-filled action movie (not Crimson Tide) instead. And I’ll admit it did make me fantasise about getting into someone’s pants and having something long and thick down there. But before you go rubbing your hands with glee (or whichever lube you prefer), you have to understand that the pants I dreamed of getting into were incontinence pants, and the something long and thick I wanted was what’s known in the vernacular as a surfboard. That’s right, a whopping great maternity pad for women who care more about cushioning their swollen, tender bits than frolicking on the beach or horse riding in what television tells me is the usual manner of biblically unclean women.

Maybe after glimpsing my ‘surf’s up!’ reflection in the mirror I could still have deceived myself that someone apart from certain fans of The Crying Game would find me sexy, were it not that Mr. Lonie’s affectionate patting of my backside became a quizzical, concerned groping of the prominent foreign object in his wife’s nether region.

The alluring scent of regurgitated milk wafting constantly from my clothes and skin completes his sensory dismay, and so I think I can safely tell Lenny that his chances of a Mandy Does Maternity porn smash hit are rather less good than my fronting the most successful anti-fornication campaign in the history of the Church.

Oh, and Lenny? The title of the post was supposed to be ‘Newborn Babe’. Slimy git.