Confessions of a Passive-Aggressive Soceraphobe

Is it wrong to hide out in the backyard for the duration of my in-laws’ self-appointed visit? This is the question I ponder as, hanging out the clothes, I hear with a sinking feeling the unmistakeable fishwife tones of Mr. Lonie’s mother. Coming to the disappointing conclusion that, yes, it would be wrong from a social mores perspective (though not a personal preferences one), I muster up as much of a smile as I can, and trudge reluctantly inside.

“Hello!” My parents-in-law and I greet each other with false cheeriness, pretending to ignore the great big fat elephant of mutual dislike in the room with us. One day I will set down in rant form (it will take several posts) the origins and nature of this dislike, but for now suffice it to say that they are idiots. Anyone who’s read my previous posts will know I cannot endure the stupid, but even their idiocy would not be enough to condemn them, being Mr. Lonie’s family, after all, if they were not also appalling racists, homophobes and general intolerants who, like all racists, homophobes and intolerants, persist in their ignorance, obtusely complacent in their views despite never having known anyone of the ethnic group, sexuality or religious persuasion they deride.

For the next few minutes they prate on about the usual inanities involving stupid daughters one and two and their families, which I don’t care to hear except as smug reminders of how much better my own family is, especially when Mr. Lonie’s mum tells what everyone knows are barefaced lies about SD one and two’s capabilities and competencies at home and work.

Then, (having remembered this time to steer clear of the forbidden topics Mr. Lonie has quietly informed them of after enduring too many of my post-in-laws-related meltdowns – i.e. derogatory references to practically everyone not exactly like themselves), Mr. Lonie’s mum revisits one of her (next) favourite subjects.

“When are you going to hang some of your wedding pictures?”

By this oft-repeated question, she means, “I have told you countless times to blow photographs of the two of you up to hideously tacky size and display them where they will command the uneasy attention of all in the room! Why do you not yield to my insistence?”

Mr. Lonie and I were married over four years ago. I briefly consider announcing that I haven’t even finished putting the wedding album together, but settle instead for an enigmatic smile. Those photos will never be hung.